Running Through the Dumps

   Sunday morning is my day to go long. There’s something comforting about the long run for me. Once warmed up and settled into my pace I feel as if I could go forever, and I could go forever if it wasn’t for one thing; the dumps.

  

   Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. That sudden urge to drop your load, take a poop, crap your pants! There’s just no polite way to put it, you’ve got to go and go now. Most of the running books I’ve read skirt around this issue, they may mention “emptying your intestines”, but they don’t quite capture the panic that sets in when your eyes bulge and your sphincter dilates.

   It was a beautiful Sunday morning; I met the running club at 6 a.m. for our usual long run. I was going to do thirteen miles today. We started out at an easy pace to shake the sleep out of our muscles. Pretty soon everyone had broken up into their pace groups. I was planning on hitting seven-minute miles and two others came with me. I enjoy running with a group, it’s motivating and the conversation keeps you going.

   We were about three miles in when it hit. My stomach made a sound as if there was a lion in there and I had just slapped it in the face. Sometimes I’m surprised at how fast the mind can work. Within a second I had politely excused myself from my partners and all my options flashed through my brain.

   First option, head back to the house. It was about a mile away and that wasn’t going to work. Second option, we were in a park and I knew there was a restroom. Too early, the gate was closed and locked. After climbing on the gate and shaking it like a chimpanzee trying to get out of its cage I was forced to face my third option…public defecation.

   Quickly turning my head from right to left, I scouted out the location of my shameful act. I notice a dumpster behind a nearby building. I ran over tugging at my short shorts and shining a full moon for all to see. In one swift movement I spun, pulled down my shorts, and assumed the flat-footed squat I picked up in Southeast Asia.

   Now that the demon was out and the panic had subsided I was faced with the question, what now?  There was nothing to wipe with and a little had gotten on my shoe. The only choice I had was to pull up my shorts and make my way home with my head hanging low.

   I’m hoping my story will make some of you feel better about your own embarrassing moments. That said, in my experience there are a few things you can do you to help keep this from happening again:

• If you’re going to do a big run don’t eat a lot of meat the day before. If you do, it might as well be prairie dog, because it’s going to pop out of its hole.
• Don’t drink alcohol the day before.
• Wake up a couple hours early, eat a light breakfast, and drink a cup of coffee to get things moving.
• Sit on the toilet to get things out before you head out.