Life V. Marathon: Potty Mouth

Bathroom humor has a pretty steady presence on my blog, however, I do feel that it is an easy and cheap way to get laughs. And I would love to stop writing about it, but it just keeps pooping popping up. If running has done anything, it has magnified my attention on preventative bathroom usage. I'll delay a run for as long as it takes to make sure I avoid issues involving No.1 and No.2. If you need to find me before a marathon, it's a safe bet that I'm waiting in line to use the Port-O-Jon. If I cut out of a run early, chances are good that I'm making a beeline to sweet relief.

Now I have found a new problem with having to "do the doo" in the middle of a run: Paper Goods. I hate to use public facilities to go No.2, even worse are park restroom, which is where I found myself recently. About 5 miles into a very sweaty run my stomach started talking to me. It said, "Hey buddy, you better pull over. We've got to let this hitchhiker out.", and I listened.

The restroom was actually pretty clean, which is rare for a park restroom. The problem arises when I tried to grab one of those paper toilet cover things. I'm soaking wet from sweat and the fact that I'm in a room with no air circulation is making it worse. Paper and sweat don't mix. The first one just tore apart in my hands, I got the next one out and quickly discovered I could not let go of it. The last one I did manage to get out and put on the toilet. I did my business and now I was faced with my next set of problems.

When I went to wipe, I realized the toilet cover was now stuck to my butt. So I start pulling it off, but it only wants to come off in quarter size chunks. My legs are already tired from running, now I'm trying to maintain this squatting position while pull little bits of paper from my ass and my legs are starting to quiver. This is no fun my friends. Finally, I get it all off and wipe. The toilet paper has now stuck to my hand. Luckily, it only takes a few vigorous shakes to free it from my hand.

I leave the restroom exhausted, then realize, I still have 7 miles to go.